My niche

Financial experts say that the road to wealth is only found by folks that identify a need in an area of talent they possess. On Saturday night, I found my road.

Where? When?

While watching Miss America 2009 – where else?!?

Having a wife that was a former state titleholder and was active in more pageant systems that I knew existed means when televised pageants come on, things stop in my house. Not to worry though, I watched Longhorn basketball in real time, while Miss America was dvr’ed!

We settled in for the pageant with pen and paper in hand. Ready to critique and judge for ourselves the 52 talented women on stage. Little did I know that it would be less than 10 minutes into the telecast when I would identify my calling….

What follows are the introductions the state titleholders gave at the beginning of the show. Their names were omitted (to protect the innocent). 

My typing skills are not what they used to be, so I’m sure there are a few transcription errors, but these are the actual lines given by the contestants. I think you will agree, MAO needs some writing talent….

• Will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed. Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed. From the home of Dr. Seuss….I am Miss Massachusetts.

• From the state where Babe Ruth hit his very first home run. I wanna hit it out of the park tonight….I am Miss North Carolina.

• Where almost every one of those country roads will always take you home to your Mountain Momma…I am Miss West Virginia.

• From the state that brought you the late, great Chris LeDoux to just LeDoux-it….I am Miss Wyoming.

• From the state that is not in the middle of nowhere, we’re in the middle of everything….I am Miss Nebraska.

• From the state where the only thing cooler than our Winter Olympics is our ‘hot’,  David Archuleta….Miss Utah.

• Sure, you can take the pageant out of Jersey, but you will never take Jersey out of the pageant. Representing the state that gave you Miss America….I am Miss New Jersey.

• Where sequins and rhinestones are always in fashion and The King is still alive….I am Miss Nevada.

• They say you can’t get there from here, but from 3,000 miles of coast line, you know we can get anywhere….I am Miss Maine.

• Yes, we did. From the home of our 44^th President…I am Miss Illinois.

• From the state that bought you the television, just don’t become a couch potato….I am Miss Idaho.

• Representing the Aloha State, where the only thing nicer than our beaches are our people….I am Miss Hawaii.

• The bigger the hair, the closer to God….I am Miss Texas.

• From the only state whose population seems to double when it’s NASCAR race weekend….I am Miss Delaware.

• From the home of Ray Charles, Julia Roberts and Usher….I am Miss Georgia.

• From the state where we consume more crab than hot dogs and hamburgers combined….I am Miss Maryland.

• Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines. From the home of the Indianapolis 500….I am Miss Indiana.

• From the state where the only thing sweeter than our slopes and our maple syrup are my two favorite men – Ben and Jerry….I am Miss Vermont.

• I am very grateful for the eighty inches of rain each year, but it sure makes it hard to get your tan. From the green state…..I am Miss Oregon.

• One Mississippi…Two Mississippi…from the state that brought you the universal method of keeping time…..I am Miss Mississippi.

• From the state of the Stanley Cup champions and the only NFL team with a perfect 0-16 record – GO LIONS….I am Miss Michigan.

• Where I am from, my boyfriend thinks my tractor is sexy…I am Miss Iowa.

• Hailing from the state with the lowest gas prices in the nation….I am Miss Missouri.

• I am not Hannah, but I am from Montana. Proudly representing Big Sky country….I am Miss Montanta.

• Proudly representing the home of the World Series champion Philadelphia Phillies….I am Miss Pennsylvania.

• From the state that brought you Best Buy and Target….I am Miss Minnesota.

• Welcoming our nation’s first African-American President…I am Miss District of Columbia.

• From the home of Mount Rushmore, the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally and the best pheasant hunting in the world…..I am Miss South Dakota.

• From sweet home Alabama – home of Helen Keller, Harper Lee, sweet tea and southern hospitality…I am Miss Alabama.

• From the state where you are never more than 60 miles from the beach….I am Miss Florida.

• From the state that brought you the first hamburger…..I am Miss Connecticut.

• Everyone from my state might be a little nutty, but I am proud to be a Buckeye. Coming to you from the heart of it all…..I am Miss Ohio.

• From the state that brings you both kinds of GRITS, those that you eat and Girls Raised In The South….I am Miss South Carolina.

• Not all belles are from the South. ….I am Miss Wisconsin.

• Home of the Tennessee Titans and the Country Music Capital of the World….I am Miss Tennessee.

• I am Miss Virginia….the original ‘Virginia Ham’.

• Coming to you from the only state where it’s a compliment to be called a hog….I am Miss Arkansas.

• From the home of the most exciting two minutes in sports, the Kentucky Derby….I am Miss Kentucky.

• From the coldest state with the hottest governor….I am Miss Alaska.

• From the most physically fit state in the nation where we enjoy over 300 days of sunshine a year……I am Miss Colorado.

• From the place where calypso brings rhythm to my feet…..I am Miss U.S. Virgin Islands.

• From the state with the quakes – here to shake things up…..I am Miss California.

• Our improbable underdogs are headed to the Super Bowl. Let’s go Cardinals…..I am Miss Arizona.

• We brought you three of my favorite things: Starbucks, Jimi Hendrix and the XBOX…..I am Miss Washington.

• From the state where the weather changes more often than people ask Mario to take off his shirt…..I am Miss Oklahoma.

• From the home state of a Miss America everyone can look up to, Lady Liberty….I am Miss New York.

• Laissez les bons temps rouler! From the state that always let’s the good times roll…..I am Miss Louisiana.

• From the only state to never have an earthquake, I am here to rock your world….I am Miss North Dakota.